What in the world do you say to a friend who just told you they have cancer? Answers on this can vary. But I can certainly give you some idea of what NOT to say to a cancer survivor.

Remember when you were in middle school and you’d have those school dances where everyone was super awkward and didn’t know what to say to each other? That’s exactly how it can feel when someone says “I have cancer.” Except, the cancer situation is a little more life-threatening than teenage social awkwardness, no matter what your 13-year-old self says.

But really, how the heck do you respond to that?!

I’ve grown up with cancer in my family as long as I can remember, but I still found it hard to know what to say. So I’d mutter an “I’m so sorry to hear that,” and prayed that my being a good listener would make up for how generic and inadequate that sentiment seemed.

Truth is, it’s really hard to know what to say! And a phrase that comforts one person can be considered utterly insensitive by the next. As such, articles with the same title as this will often include different things altogether because it’s really not a black and white conversation.

So here are some ideas of what NOT to say to a cancer patient:

So You Get a Boob Job?

OK, I stand corrected. Some things are black and white. This is one of them.

I know, I get it, maybe you mean it as a way to make the conversation lighter and not as anything offensive. I thought the same at first and would call it my boob job because “breast reconstruction” sounded a lot more daunting. And, honestly, because more people understood what I was referring to when I said boob job versus reconstruction.

And then I got to the point where I was researching reconstruction options…

Y’all, reconstruction is no joke. Not only can healing from surgery be really hard, but they will never be the same as her originals. There’s often very limited feeling, she may or may not have nipples, and they won’t look the same as the OG boobs. To top it all off, she likely went through a lot of pain trying to gain back some semblance of normalcy after all the traumas of cancer.

It is not a boob job. Calling it a boob job is like saying someone got a nose job after they’ve been punched in the face. It’s also not vanity, it’s wanting to regain something that was taken from her.

If You Had Surgery, Why Didn’t You Get Bigger Boobs?

Since we’re already discussing reconstruction, let’s touch on this one real quick.

No matter whether she wanted implants, flap reconstruction, or flat closure, it is her choice and her choice alone. Again, it’s not a boob job. Maybe she opted to go for a larger cup size, and that’s her prerogative. But maybe she chose flat closure to be done with the surgeries and feel less worried about future self-exams.

Regardless of the reasoning, trust and believe she did not make that decision lightly.

Everything Happens for a Reason

I would often tell myself this as a way to keep perspective. If everything happens for a reason, then there’s a chance something really good could come from all this suffering I’m going through. And if I couldn’t see the good, then I could make it. (This blog you’ve visited is one such example.)

But you can’t just make this statement and then walk away. It may have happened for a reason. But to someone who is newly diagnosed, this is probably the least helpful thing she could hear. At that moment, she may be dealing with horrible side effects, or facing bankruptcy because she has to choose between her house payment and life-saving treatment.

Be extremely careful with this one. I don’t suggest using it unless you know her well and can offer her a personal example of good coming from your own suffering. (Serious suffering, not just that time you were inconvenienced.) If you don’t fit those two qualifiers, best to leave this one be.

You Look Good Bald!

This is another gray area one. I appreciated hearing this because it was nice to know I didn’t look like Smeagol or Charlie Brown – I at least still looked like a woman.

That said, losing one’s hair can be extremely difficult. This statement is just a reminder of yet another thing she’s lost during cancer treatment.

It’s Just Hair, It Grows Back

Please don’t say this. If you’ve never lost your hair, you don’t know what it’s like. And if you have lost your hair, then you probably understand how hard this can be.

Physically, yes, it’s just hair. And more than likely it will grow back. But it doesn’t always. Some survivors never get their hair back, and some have thinner hair than before. Even if it does grow back, it’s likely different than it was. Mine is now curly, and I’ve lost the blonde, red, and black strands that were mixed in with the brown. Some used to have brown hair that came back gray. Some were blondes that are now brunettes. So while it’s likely it’ll come back, it’s also likely it won’t be the same as before.

But it’s not just hair. It’s the representation of what that hair loss means. It’s the reminder that she’s in cancer treatment and all that entails. Her baldness is a display to anyone who doesn’t know her that she has cancer, whether she’s told them or not. And the appearance and length of our hair is often a way people judge our feminine identity and overall beauty. (Which is BS in and of itself.)

It Could Be Worse…

I often reminded myself of this when I started down the deep, dark spiral of self-pity. It was hard for me to focus on “woe is me” when I remembered the ladies in my Facebook groups who were ghosted by friends and family, whose husbands left them because of their diagnosis, had no choice but to work through treatment, or were in the hospital regularly due to side effects.

But if you say “it could be worse” to someone else, you’re invalidating the pain she’s going through. She likely just needed to vent and talk to someone rather than holding everything in, and a response like “meh, could be worse,” minimizes everything she just said as though she has no right to be crying and terrified.

(OK, I can think of one time I might say this to a friend with breast cancer: if we’re BFFs and I playfully remind her she could be dealing with all this with her narcissistic prick of an ex-boyfriend and thank God that’s not the case! But otherwise, just don’t.)

So What Are You Going to do When This is All Over?

I’ve never seen this statement on a list like this before. Maybe no one else was asked this? Or maybe others just don’t have a problem with this statement. After all, it’s a legit question, and it gets her focused on the future rather than the difficulty of the present.

I was asked this a lot. Before my diagnosis, I enjoyed a job working in Alaska and traveling internationally on my time off. I always had a plan of where I’d travel next or a goal I wanted to accomplish. But cancer changed that. Losing my job and travel dreams crushed me, far more so than even losing my breasts or hair. Even now, a year and a half from diagnosis, I can’t plan long-term like I used to. I still have goals and dreams, but my plan of execution is far more vague than before.

I’ve heard from several women that they have a hard time planning for the future as well since their diagnosis. The future seems so distant and unpredictable. We were already shell-shocked with a diagnosis, and now we’re likely concerned about a recurrence. So the future??… Who knows?

Many people may not find this question upsetting. Others, like myself, may feel a pang of heartache every time it’s asked. Of all the comments and questions I got as a patient, this was one that cut the deepest.

Sugar Feeds Cancer, Or Any Other Remark About Cures

I realize you may be saying this out of genuine love and concern for your friend. But don’t go there. Really. She’s already dealing with an overwhelming amount of information right now, and insinuating that her diet or lack of [insert product or behavior here] is making her cancer worse will not help her. Or your friendship.

Unless you’ve been there, done that, cured yourself from stage IV cancer with it, just don’t go there. This includes, but is not limited to, what foods she’s eating, alcohol, essential oils, coffee enemas, juice cleanses, meditation, or weird supplements you can’t even pronounce.

By the way, the whole “sugar feeding cancer” thing? It’s not that cut and dry. Everything you eat turns to glucose, a type of sugar. Cancer uses glucose. Cancer can adapt to be fueled by whatever the body has available. She could cut out all sweets entirely and it wouldn’t make a lick of difference, so don’t guilt trip her over that bowl of ice cream. (Interested in a couple other cancer myths?)

Along those lines, don’t go hating on chemo either. No one wants to do chemo. And most of us dealt with so many side effects from chemo that if lemon water and turmeric were a guaranteed cure, you better believe we would have opted for curry chicken every night!

My Company Makes a Product That Can Help…

Now is not the time to be selling your MLM or pyramid scheme company products. If you want to gift her a bottle of that lash growth serum, that’s one thing. But cancer patients often aren’t working, so it’s not like we have extra money to spend. Especially not when there are several items to purchase to prepare for that mastectomy or radiation treatment.

Whatever You Did To Give Yourself Cancer, Stop

Few things could have me seeing red like this statement, so I’m going to say this as politely as I can… DO NOT BLAME THE PATIENT.

Trust and believe, if I knew there was some factor that I was doing that would give me cancer in my prime, I would’ve cut it out of my life in a hot second! There are genetics, common pollutants, and viruses that all can potentially lead to cancer, and every single human being is at risk for them. Not to mention that some cancers are just caused by a stroke of “bad luck,” due to an improperly replicated cell. Odds are, her cancer is nothing she could have controlled (You can also read about potential causes here, here, and here.)

Don’t add to her stress by accusing her of giving herself cancer. Ever.

You’re So Brave/Strong/Inspiring!

This one really depends on who you’re talking to. Statements like these didn’t bother me at all. It was actually comforting to know that others could be inspired by my story. My positivity during treatment inspired others to be more positive during their own trials of life, which to me is a tremendous compliment! (Remember above where I talked about making something good from something bad?)

The majority of women I’ve talked to, though, absolutely hate sentiments like this. We don’t have a choice but to be brave and push through. No one really knows how strong they are till their choices are be strong or die. And “inspiring” sounds generic or insincere.

Let Me Know If You Need Anything

I was curious about this one, so I actually conducted a poll on my Instagram stories. Pay attention, y’all, this is legit, cutting edge scientific data comin’ at ya!

There are two schools of thought with this. Some people prefer to be told a very specific plan – I’ll come over Friday at 7pm and we’ll have dinner, I’ll take Susie and little Johnny this weekend so you don’t have to watch them, or I’ll come over Thursday afternoon to do your laundry. The other school of thought is a specific offer, but not with a time attached – I’d be happy to watch the kids if it would help, I need to go to the grocery anyway and can get some things for you, or can I fix dinner for you sometime?

Interestingly, those who wanted a very specific plan tended to be extroverted and askers, while those who wanted a specific offer but general plan tended to be introverted and guessers. (For a description of askers and guessers, click here.)

Those wanting the specific plan don’t want another thing to think about when they’re already stressed or grieving. But those, like myself, who prefer a more lenient plan feel an invasion of privacy if a time is dictated to them. If you want to leave food on my doorstep and leave, that’s one thing. But I likely won’t be up for company and someone coming into my space is exhausting!

Everyone agreed, however, that they hated when someone just gave the overly general “let me know if you need anything.” This can feel like a copout, like they’re offering to help so they can feel like a good friend, but hopefully you don’t actually need them. So feel free to offer help, it likely will be greatly appreciated! But be sure to at least include some ideas, like watching the kids or fixing a meal. Odds are she’s stressed and tired and doesn’t know what she needs, so some specific offers make it easier to accept the help.

So, You’re Good Now, Right?

I know unless you’ve had cancer you likely wouldn’t understand why this statement of genuine concern could be interpreted in a negative way. You mean well. That’s why I included it in this list.

The ugly truth is that this impacts one’s physical and mental health for quite likely the rest of her life. My heart has taken a huge hit from some of my chemo drugs, and chemo has the potential to cause secondary cancers. The emotional trauma isn’t talked about as often, but it’s just as devastating, if not more so, than the physical damage. So while I’m sure this statement is asked in a concern for the physical well-being of your friend, it’s actually really difficult to answer. She may have no evidence of disease and be healing well physically, but just starting to heal emotionally.

That’s the Good Cancer

Somehow a few cancers like breast and thyroid have gotten a reputation for being “the good cancer.” I hate to break it to you, but there are no good cancers. It’s still cancer. It can still be deadly. Period.

My Cousin’s Sister-in-Law’s Best Friend’s Uncle Had Cancer

I know you’re trying to relate, that your reason for saying this is to show that in some small way you understand how difficult this is. But unless you’ve been a direct caregiver, you don’t really know what this means for your friend. Off the top of my head I can name eight close friends and family members who had cancer. But I didn’t know jack squat about what treatment was going to be like until I became the patient. So there’s not much you could say to your friend related to this that will help.

Oh, and if your story ends with “and then she died,” don’t even start. We all know death is likely with cancer, your friend doesn’t need reminded of that.

I Know How You Feel…

No you don’t. I’m sorry, but you don’t. Even if I were talking to another breast cancer survivor, I couldn’t say this because treatment affects each of us differently. We could have the exact same diagnosis and treatment plans, but I bet you a pretty penny we’d each have a different physical and emotional response to the diagnosis and its treatment.

You Have to Think Positive

I am one of the most optimistic people you may ever meet. But I can’t tell you how many tears I cried, how often I thought the words “this is bullshit,” how bad I wanted to quit chemo because it friggin’ sucks, or how tired I was of getting poked with needles. Cancer is just hard. It’s not a matter of just thinking positive and it’ll be a trip down Rainbow Road. It sucks. So let her vent. Hear her out. Telling her to think positive isn’t going to flip a switch and fix it; it’ll probably just make her irritated and close you off to being her sounding board later.

You’ll Beat This, Keep Fighting

Again, this one is usually meant with the best of intentions and support. But it can be so incredibly hurtful, especially to those diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Beating cancer is not like deciding if you want butter or jam on your morning toast — a simple choice and that’s that. It’s not like that at all. It’s not a matter of how hard they fight or how strong they are. Cancer is not something you can reason with, nor is it an opponent you can throat punch and fend off. It is a horrible, painful disease capable of killing even the most stubborn, strong-willed patient.

Nothing

One of the worst things you can do is to say nothing. Some people don’t know how to respond. Totally understandable!

But some people don’t know what to say or how to cope to the extent that they not only say nothing, they don’t say anything for a length of time. Sometimes they pretend it isn’t happening and change the conversation when it comes up. Sometimes they straight up abandon the cancer patient until treatment is done, then try to reintroduce themselves once they think it’s all over. Others walk away and never come back…

It’s tragic, to say the least. And make no mistake, if you walk away from your friend when she’s diagnosed, you best believe she’ll remember that pain if you try to come back.

So What the Heck Do I Say?!?

I know, it’s a long list. But if you noticed, there’s a general theme to all of these items: be supportive, don’t minimize what she’s dealing with, and don’t compare her journey to anyone else’s. Simply saying that you’re sorry to hear she’s going through this and you’re willing to help with childcare, rides to treatment, or meals will go a long way in showing your support and love. She likely just needs someone to vent to and maybe a shoulder to cry on.

The most important thing is to just be there and be willing to listen.

A Note To EVERYONE…

I’ve always had a hard time with this topic and articles of the same theme. I debated whether to write my own version because what offended me didn’t faze someone else, whereas statements I took as encouraging are often infuriating to others.

But I think responses we’re generically taught are OK and helpful in other circumstances – like to be strong, trying to relate, or keeping things in perspective – really aren’t helpful when discussing cancer or other serious health issues. So we go with encouraging statements we know of, only to find out it’s like rubbing salt in a cancer survivor’s wounds.

If you know someone with cancer, I’d encourage you to reevaluate how helpful your words are.

And as cancer patients, perhaps we should extend some grace. Perhaps we can work on informing others how their words are hurtful and what would be more appropriate, seeing as their intentions are usually meant for good. As I mentioned, one phrase that hurt the most was “what are your future plans?” It’s a legit question and I’d likely ask the same thing in their shoes, so I controlled my frustration. How were they to know what I was feeling? I think the same is true for sentiments like “you’re so inspiring” or “let me know if you need anything.”

But extending grace doesn’t apply to those who blame you for your cancer… That’s just rude.

So now I’d like to hear from YOU! I know this list isn’t extensive, I only covered the main things cancer survivors hear that most of us agree are difficult (or insulting) to hear. What are some other statements you’ve been told that really grated on your nerves and emotions?

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